


Break Me

by boltschick2612



Series: When The Madness Stops... [1]
Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: First Love, M/M, Tampa Bay Lightning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-08
Updated: 2013-01-08
Packaged: 2017-11-24 05:42:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,335
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/631061
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/boltschick2612/pseuds/boltschick2612
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The trials and tribulations of falling in love.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Break Me

**Author's Note:**

> Title from "Break Me Shake Me" by Savage Garden. Game dates are true, nothing else is.

April 13th, 2011

 

Teddy walks into his Pittsburgh hotel room to find his close friend and team mate, Nate Thompson, sitting on the edge of his bed with his head in his hands, eyes downcast and fixated on the hotel room's brown carpet.

"Come on, Thommers....It's only Game One...There's still plenty more to go."

Teddy was under the assumption that the reason for Nate's displeasure was the fact that the Lightning had just lost to the Pittsburgh Penguins by three goals, Marc Andre Fleury earning a shut out. Losing any game could be upsetting, but this wasn't just any game. This was Game One of the Eastern Conference Quarter Finals of the 2011 Stanley Cup Playoffs.

Nate says nothing and doesn't even look up to meet Teddy's gaze. He just continues to sit there and Teddy swears he can see Nate shaking although it's clear that Nate is doing his best to hide it, to steady himself. Teddy instantly becomes concerned. He's never seen Nate like this before. Nate is usually in total control of every situation at every second....but now? He seemed almost scared. 

"What's going on? This isn't about the game......" Teddy says while slowly moving to the bed where Nate is situated. Teddy's slow pace towards the bed where his friend was sitting...cowering...gave him a little bit of time to mentally prepare himself for whatever it could be that Nate had to say.

That same slow pace also prevents Teddy from making it to the bed before there's a heavy knock at the door, causing Teddy to jump and Nate to lose all of his resolve that was previously keeping him from shaking. He reverses course to the front door and pauses in front of it, pressing his ear to the door and feeling the cold wood pressed against his cheek.

Adam Hall's voice streams into the room from the other side of the closed door.

"Purcie....Thommer...I know you guys are in there, open up!"

Teddy can hear the laughter and talking of at least two other voices besides Hall's as he reluntently opens the door to be greeted by the sight of Ryan Malone standing in between Adam Hall and Jordan Staal, his arms around both their shoulders. It almost appears as if the two blondes were holding up the larger redhead. Teddy is instantly taken aback by the sight of Jordan standing right outside this hotel room door. He never expected to see someone from the opposing team standing on the other side of his doorway, even if he was with two of his team mates.

"Hey guys....Hallsy and I are heading out for a few drinks with some of the guys from the Pens we used to play with, you down?" Malone asks, his speech slightly slurred, sending signals to Teddy that Malone and his friends had already been drinking, perhaps in their hotel room. Teddy ignores Malone's question and looks back to the bed where Nate is sitting, head still in his hands. The shaking has subsided and Teddy wondered how much of that was due to the fact that Nate now had an audience. Malone leans slightly into the room and peers around Teddy to fix his gaze on Nate.

"Don't worry man...it's only Game One, there's always next time," Malone says and puts on one of his signature smiles.

"And we'll kick your asses then, too!" Jordan loudly interjects. Teddy rolls his eyes and scoffs at Jordan's drunkily formed insult.

"Shut up and go give your brother a concussion or something, dick," Malone says while elbowing Jordan in the ribs.

All three of the men standing outside the door erupt into laughter, and Teddy momentarily considers just shutting the door in their faces while they are still too preoccupied to notice. Malone momentarily ignores the fact that he's standing outside of someone else's hotel room and  looks at Jordan to speak.

"What did Sid say when you invited him?"

"Blah,blah,blah...my head...I'm a whiny bitch....the usual," Jordan says laughing, and Teddy wonders how many of these things Jordan would be saying about his team mate if he was sober.

"So, anyhow.....you coming, Purcie?" Adam asks after the laughter dies. Teddy's mind goes back to the man sitting on his bed, clearly distraught about something.

"Nah...you guys go ahead, I'm beat. But you guys are taking a cab, right?"

"Yes, mother..." Adam says, rolling his eyes like a disrespectful child for emphasis.

The trio turn to leave and stumble down the hall. Teddy slowly closes the door, drowning out the raucous conversation and laughter that was echoing off the walls.

Teddy closes his eyes and lets out an audible sigh before opening them again and looking over to Nate, who hasn't moved since Teddy walked in the door. He takes a few seconds to gather his composure and try to remember exactly what it was that Nate and him were about to discuss before the were interrupted by team mates that thought going out and partying was a better idea than getting their rest. Teddy then crosses the room and sits on the edge of the bed that is facing opposite Nate's and reaches out to put his hand on Nate's arm, startling Nate and causing him to jump.

"What's the matter, Nate? I know this can't be about tonight....."

Nate runs his hands through his hair, his elbows still resting on his knees, his head still down and his hands come to rest on the back of his neck.

"No, it's not just about tonight. It's about the entire season....but not in the way you're thinking," Nate rasps out, barely above a whisper.

Teddy inches closer to the edge of the bed in order to bring himself closer to Nate, to better hear him and bridge a physical and metaphorical gap.

"I'm your friend, you can tell me," Teddy says in a smoothing voice.

Teddy and Nate had become close friends after the were both signed to the Lightning around the same time. Teddy guessed it was the fact that they were both the "new kids on the block" that made them band together and the friendship grew to a close brotherhood trough the year that they had both been with the team.

"It's not something I want to admit. Not something I want you...or anyone... to know." Nate is sobbing now and it takes all of Teddy's strength not to break down with his friend, Nate's anguish was breaking his heart.

"You wouldn't understand...." Nate's manages in between sobs.

"You would be surprised," Teddy murmurs under his breath and is momentarily thankful for the fact that either Nate didn't hear him, or he pretended like he didn't.

"I think...." Nate starts to explain before deciding that that was not the course he wanted his diatribe to take. He sits motionless, eyes still fixated on the hotel carpet while thinking for a moment, tears now rolling down his face. After a few more failed starts, Nate finally speaks again.

"To have your entire life be one way, you think of yourself a certain way...Then all the sudden your world is upside down and everything is the opposite of how you thought it was. You're not who you thought you were." 

Nate was shaking as he said this, the words rushing out of him so fast that Teddy almost didn't catch them all, but he did catch the last sentance, and it cut through the air like a knife.

  
_You're not who you thought you were._

Teddy felt as if the wind had been knocked out of him. Nate's words were sounding a little too familiar, a little too much like something he has thought about himself in the past. Teddy was trying to decide if Nate was admitting to what he thought that he might be admitting to when Nate's sob racked voice broke through his thoughts.

"I think I'm in love with someone." 

Nate immediately lets out a loud sob after saying what obviously took all of his strength to say. Teddy thought he knew what part of his confession could be causing Nate some distress, but he wanted to drag the whole truth from Nate. He wanted to make him say it. He wanted Nate to hear the words, coming from his own mouth. From personal experience, Teddy knew that saying things like that outloud could help solidify it in your mind, help you know that you're doing the right thing.

"What part about that is upsetting you?" Teddy prods. His heart started to race as he began to wonder if he was doing the right thing by pushing Nate, he had the best of intentions, but still...Teddy didn't want this conversation the end badly.

"It's someone....." Nate starts, and is immediately racked with another round of sobs making it almost impossible for him to finish.

"It's ok....whatever it is...it's ok," Teddy says and puts a hand on Nate's shoulder.

"It's someone from the team...one of the guys," Nate finally manages to blurt out, but that's all he has the power to say. After spilling his soul into this one confession, Nate almost visibly deflates and all he can do is continue to stare at the floor as his tears fall onto the carpet.

 

Teddy's eyes go wide and his heart starts racing as sits there stunned, trying to force words out of his mouth. "Not what I expected."

 

"Not what I expected either," Nate says and for the first time its hurt that is evident in his voice, not anguish.

Teddy is shocked to hear Nate reply to something that he thought he was only saying in his mind, he didn't realize that he had said that comment out loud.

"I'm really sorry, Nate. That wasn't supposed to be an insult."

  
_"Or said out loud,"_  Teddy thinks to himself, this time keeping his thoughts contained in his head.

"What I meant was...I thought I knew what you were getting at...it was the "who" part of it that suprised me," Teddy tried to explain, hoping that he hadn't done irrepairable damage to Nate's psyche.

"Pretty disgusted with me, huh? That's ok....I'm disgusted with me too," Nate said, and he was thankful that he had ever stopped staring at the floor, because right now he was sure that if he had to look Teddy in the eyes that he would throw up.

"No, I'm not. I just thought that maybe you were talking about some random guy...I didn't know you were talking about someone here...that's all," Teddy says quitely, almost as if using a soothing voice would do the job to get the conversation back on track.

"I've never been the 'random chick' kind of of person and I'm not going to start being the 'random guy' type of person, either," Nate says and it's clear to Teddy that not matter how hard he tries to say the right thing, he can't.

"Shit...Nate, I didn't mean it like that. Let me try this again, please?" Teddy begs and Nate simply waves his hand, motioning for Teddy to continue.

"Look Nate, I suspected from the start that you were wrestling with the emotions you had for someone....another man...and that you were upset because this is the first time anything like this is happened to you, and it betrayed your sense of everything that you thought was true. I'm in no way disgusted with you, I was just surprised that it was someone on our team."

Teddy's heart then starts to race and his stomach knots as the realization of just whom on the team Nate may be talking about dawns on him. Nate lets out a small laugh and speaks in a calm tone for the first time all night. "You know, you really seem to know what you're talking about for someone who doesn't know what they're talking about."

Teddy sighs and mentally prepares himself for what he's about the say to Nate. He had a pretty good idea that it was him that Nate had fallen for, and even if it wasn't, it could help Nate to have a close friend that understood exactly what he was going through. "Nate, I do know what I'm talking about...I'm gay."

Teddy's words cut through the air and Nate snaps his head up to look at him, the first time he's done anything other than look at the floor all night. Nate stares at Teddy, rapidly blinking, shocked. He says nothing and simply casts his gaze down to the carpet again.

"It's you that I'm falling for....it's always been you," Nate confirms and Teddy's pulse quickens upon hearing this.

Teddy slides off the bed and comes to rest on his knees, stuck in between the two beds, kneeling in front of where Nate sits. He then puts his hand under Nate's chin and gently lifts Nate's head up and looks him in the eyes.

"Hey, you have nothing to be ashamed of, ok? I feel the same way," Teddy says and offers Nate a small smile.

Nate returns the smile with one of his own, then says "I should be ashamed that we were such close friends and I didn't know that you were...."

Teddy cuts Nate off before he has a chance to finish his sentence. "I did a pretty good job of hiding it. The NHL isn't the most welcoming place for it, unfortunately, and I didn't want to lose you as a friend."

"You never could," Nate reassures.

Teddy reaches up to run his hand along the side of Nate's face, and he leans into Teddy's soft touch.

"So what now?" Nate whispers.

Teddy smiles as the sound of Nate's whisper makes his heart pound and his body shiver. The sensation, one that Teddy hasn't felt in a long time, passes and he speaks.

"I'll make you a promise. Until the end of playoffs, we will keep this strictly emotions. Once it's over, if you still want to be with me, we'll take a trip...somewhere far from here...and take it to the next level, test the waters."

"I can't imagine not wanting to be with you," Nate says and lowers his head to meet his lips to Teddy's, although tentatively.

Teddy starts to eagerly kiss Nate back, then thinks better of it, and pulls back.

"Nothing physical. Not yet. I want to make sure that this is something that you really want," Teddy says using all of his collective strength.

"But emotions are ok?" Nate asks smiling.

"Encouraged, actually," Teddy says, taking both of Nate's hands into his own.

"Well, then is it too early to say 'I love you'?" Nate asks with his heart pounding in his ears.

"Not at all...that is why we're here, isn't it?" 

"I suppose it is," Nate says and lets out a small chuckle.

Teddy swallows hard and debates wither it's time to make another little confession of his own.

"I love you too....even before tonight."

Nate's eyes start to tear up again as he lets a smile play across his face and he speaks. "Is is wrong of me to want the playoffs to be over now?"

"I think I'll let it slide, given the reason."

 

 

 

 

April 20th, 2011

The team starts to file into their locker room, most of them with their heads down, shaking them in disbelief. Marty St.Louis is standing by the entrance, giving each player a consoling pat on the shoulder as they step through the door. Marty doesn't say anything to any of them though, just gives them a slight smile. While Marty may only wear an "A" on his sweater, but he goes above and beyond what the expectations of an Alternate Captain are. He always has, but everyone knows "above and beyond" describe Marty to a tee. The last member of the Lightning files into the locker room, followed by Guy Boucher.

"Alright, Gentleman, ten minutes to decompress and shower before the media shows up. Practice tomorrow here at ten, we'll talk then," the team's coach says in a authoritative tone.

Guy has always believed in letting his team have a few moments to themselves before the media vultures descended upon them. He also believed that immediately following a loss was not the best time to rehash the game with the team. He usually liked to let the guys marinate on the loss overnight. Plus he knew that immediatly following a game was when emotions were at their peak, and a conversation based on facts and rationale instead of emotion would be far more productive.

The team had just suffered a 3-2 loss. 

In double overtime. 

To the Penguins. 

In their own barn.

The hits just keep on coming, the worst of which being that the next game was now a do-or-die situation. The Penguins were now up three games to the Lightning's one in the first round of the playoffs, which meant that if the Lightning lost the next one....that was it. Game Over. See you next year, time to pack away the hockey sticks and pick up a golf club.

The players were silently undressing, untying their skates, ripping the tape off their socks and wadding it up into little balls. Teddy is doing none of those things. He's just sitting in his locker stall, unmoving. He couldn't believe that this wild ride could be over. This was the first playoff appearance for him....for most of the team, really...and he couldn't believe that it was inches away from being over. But another thought was playing through Teddy's mind also. One that almost negates the sadness he feels at the loss of what he thought was going to be a long playoff run. 

  
_...Until the end of playoffs, we will keep this strictly emotions. Once it's over, if you still want to be with me, we'll take a trip..._

Teddy's words to Nate echo in his head. It had been a little over a week since Nate had confessed his love to Teddy, and Teddy had confessed his love to Nate in return. The two had made a promise to keep the physical aspect out of their relationship until after the playoffs, and so far, they had. Not that they really had time for anything physical, anyways. As a matter of fact, they hadn't really had much time for any kind of relationship, save for the short conversations they usually had before they both drifted off to sleep in their Pittsburgh hotel room. 

But they were home now, and it looked like maybe they weren't going to be having any more playoff road trips to share. Teddy would be lying if he said that the possibility of now having another type of trip to share with Nate didn't make him smile. He is snapped from his thoughts by the voice of  Dwayne Roloson.

"Some one kick Purcie, please. I think he's stuck."

Teddy looks up as everyone starts laughing and smiles, then starts to undress and make his way to the shower.

While in the shower, Teddy can think of nothing else but the impending end of playoffs, and what it means for him. Wither playoffs end with the next game or if by some miracle they make it all the way to the Stanley Cup, it still will end. From the time that Nate told him of his feelings, Teddy had been nothing but optimistic. Now doubt was starting to creep in and Teddy wasn't sure if it was the fact that he was already down due to the loss, or the fact the he was just now starting to think about being with Nate realistically.

Nate had never been with another man and wasn't really "gay".....what if Nate was just confusing his feelings of friendship with Teddy for feelings of love? And sure, the idea of being in a relationship that only involved emotions sounded romantic and almost easy...but what was going to happen once the time came for Nate to take things to the next level? 

Was Nate going to realize that he had been wrong all along in assuming that what he felt for Teddy was real? Would Nate even want to go through with things now that he was under the gun? The idea of going away with Nate was now starting to cause as much apprehension in Teddy as the idea of being knocked out of the playoffs in the first round.

 

                                                                                                           -X-

Teddy steps out of the shower and wraps a towel around his waist. He can hear the media already talking to his team mates in the locker room and he is not looking forward to going out to join them. He dawdles in the bathroom as long as possible before finally steeling himself and stepping through the door.

Teddy slides through the doorway at the same time that Nate is making his way into the bathroom, Nate's shoulder brushing against Teddy's bare arm. Nate pauses and hovers his mouth inches from Teddy's ear and whispers, gently placing his hand on Teddy's exposed lower back, where no one can see it.

"Leave your front door unlocked."

Teddy says nothing, just exhales to let out the breath he had been holding in since the second Nate had brushed up against him and steps the rest of the way into the locker room.

 

                                                                                                              -X-

 

Later that night, Teddy is lounging in the chaise on his balcony, sipping Gatorade and thinking about the days ahead. He had left his front door unlocked after returning home, just as Nate had instructed. Teddy was just starting to wonder when Nate was planning on making his appearance when he heard his front door open. He didn't get up or even turn around to see who it was, but he was thinking that maybe he should, just in case in was someone other than Nate as Teddy had assumed it was.

"Teds....you home?" Nate's voice came from the front hallway.

"Out here," Teddy yells back, and he hears Nate's heavy foot steps leading up to the balcony. He feels a hand go to his shoulder and Nate's voice comes from behind him.

"You decide where you want to go yet?"

"I like your confidence in our team", Teddy says sarcastically.

"I'm just being realistic....Ok, maybe a bit pessimistic," Nate says and laughs at little.

Teddy leans his head so that his cheek is touching the top of Nate's hand that was resting on his shoulder.

"Are you sure you even want to go?", Teddy murmers, half hoping that Nate won't hear his question. He does.

"Of course! Why would you say that?"

Teddy just shrugs his shoulders and says nothing.

"Move," Nate says, gently poking at Teddy's rear with his foot, signaling for Teddy to move forward on the chaise so that he can sit behind him.

Nate straddles the lounger and sits in the empty space that Teddy created when he moved forward, and then swings his legs up to rest besides Teddy's on the lounger. Nate then places his hands on Teddy's shoulders and pulls him back until Teddy's back is resting on his chest, and Nate wraps his arms around Teddy to hold him closer.

"Seriously....why would you say that?" Nate's chin is now resting on Teddy's shoulder, and he whispers this question into his ear.

Again, no answer from Teddy.

"I know we haven't really talked much the past few days...and I'm sorry...but that's only because we've been so busy, not because I don't love you," Nate says.

"I just thought that maybe you finally realized what you were doing....." Teddy says sheepishly.

"Hey, I may be new to this, but I'm a grown man and I know good and well what I'm doing. Nothing has changed," Nate says and plants a small kiss on the back of Teddy's neck.

"That doesn't count," Nate says referring to the kiss and their promise not display any physical affection. 

Teddy laughs and says "It does....but I'll let it slide."

"Can we go sleep together?", Nate asks while running his hands through Teddy's hair.

"Nate....." 

Teddy starts to think of a way he can gently tell Nate that he intends to hold him to the promise when Nate interjects.

"No, I mean  _sleep_  together. As in close our eyes and dream while holding each other."

"I like the sound of that, but why not right here? It's so nice outside," Teddy says dreamily.

"I like the sound of that, too," Nate says and once more plants a kiss on the back of Teddy's neck.

"Now you're pushing it!" Teddy laughs and this is the last sound Nate hears as he drifts off to sleep, holding Teddy close to him.

 

 

 

 

May 3rd, 2011

Nate skates to the Lightning bench, clutching the left side of his chest. He had just been checked hard into the boards by Mike Green. It was a clean hit, and Mike certainly meant no harm to Nate, but that didn't change the fact that his ribs were now hurting like hell and he was finding it increasingly hard to breath.

After it looked like the Lightning were going to be eliminated in the first round of the playoffs, they had went on to win three straight aganist the Penguins, securing them a ticket to the second round of the 2011 Stanley Cup Playoffs. Their opponent in the second round was the Washington Capitals, and right now both teams were in the midst of Game Three at the St.Pete Times Forum.

Nate opts to use the door by the bench instead of jumping over the boards as the guys usually do and plops down on the end of the beach with a heavy thud. Nate knew that the strain of sitting on the edge of the partition and swinging his legs up and over would have been more than he could have handled at the moment.

The athletic trainer, Tommy Mulligan, starts making his way to over to Nate but is dismissed with a wave of the hand and an "I'm fine" before he even gets there. Nate hunches forward, but tries to not show any outward signs of just how much pain he was in. Teddy, who is sitting at the complete opposite end of the bench, leans forward to impose himself on Nate's line of sight.

Nate was already casting a sideways glance in Teddy's direction, as he had been since the second he sat on the bench. Once Teddy knew that he had Nate's attention, he mouthed the words "Are you ok?" and allowed his concern to become evident on his face. Nate just shakes his head in the affirmative and leans back on the bench to continue fixating on the game.

 

                                                                                                      -X-

 

Nate takes his next shift on the ice, but for him it's shorter than usual. He skates to the bench, his face as white as a sheet, before Marty can yell "TIME!" to signal shift change. Nate isn't even to the bench before Teddy is in his face, pulling him aside.

"Will you please let them look at you? I don't know how you've gotten away with playing this long. It's obvious that something is wrong," Teddy says in a hushed tone.

"It's fine Purcie, just forget about it," Nate says and tries to make his way back to the bench, but he is stopped by Teddy's hand on his arm. 

"It's not fine. There's still 45 minutes left in this game. You can't keep this up," Teddy says, staring Nate intently in the eyes. He was so dead set on proving his point to Nate, to making him see reason, that he didn't care what this might look like to anyone that might be bored enough to look in their direction.

Luckily no one was looking their way, or they would have seen Nate Thompson's eyelids flutter closed and his body slump forward, only to be caught by Teddy. He frantically looks over to the corner where Tommy is standing and calls his name with urgency, but tries to keep his voice low to avoid drawing anyone else's attention to the situation. Tommy rushes over and drapes one of Nate's arms around his neck, to help take some of Nate's dead weight off of Teddy.

"What happened?" Tommy asks, not really looking at Teddy, focusing his attention to the semi-conscious man while reaching in his pocket for the small white packet of ammonia smelling salts. "Did he hit his head?"

"No. I think this is from that hard hit he took. He was holding his chest...." Teddy's voice trails off as his attention turns away from Tommy who is snapping the small white package of salts and holding it under Nate's nose, initiating Nate's inspiratory reflex.

"Yeah, I saw that but......Nate? Hey Buddy, you awake?" Tommy says, trying to position his face to look into Nate's half closed eyes.

Nate's eyes slowly start to open, and his face is immediately filled with a look of confusion. "What happened? What the hell are you guys doing?" Nate croaks out.

"You passed out....sorta," Teddy answers, and the look of confusion on Nate's face grows.

"Can you walk to the dressing room?" Tommy asks.

"I'm fine. I don't need to go anywhere," Nate says, not really answering Tommy's question.

"Yes, you do. And you have no choice, so don't fight me," Tommy says.

"Fine. Yes, I can walk. I am fine, after all," Nate says, trying to placate Tommy, and Teddy as well.

Teddy just stands there, a concerned look on his face as he watches Nate disappear into the tunnel leading to the dressing room.

 

 

                                                                                                             -X-

 

Teddy walks through the door of his house, Nate leaning on his shoulder, moving as if every step caused him pain. Nate had returned in the third period, but took very short shifts and only had about five minutes of ice time. Teddy had told Nate after the game that he was taking him back to his house, and it really wasn't a question so much as a demand. Teddy helps Nate hobble over to the couch and slowly lower himself onto it before taking a seat on the floor at Nate's feet.

"Give me your foot," Teddy instructs.

"Why?" Nate asks confused.

"So I can take your shoes off....or do you want to bend down and do it yourself?" Teddy grabs Nate's foot and begins to untie the laces in his dress shoes.

 

"You're so thoughtful, Teds," Nate says with a small smile.

"Well, why would I have you come over here so that I could take care of you...and then not take care of you?" Teddy says while removing Nate's left shoe, then moving on to the right.

"So you could charm me out of my pants?" Nate says and smiles ever so slightly to let Teddy know that he was joking.

Teddy lets out a small chuckle and his smile turns back into a frown as his mind wonders back to the whole reason why Nate was at his house and the reason he was currently sitting on his living room floor, helping the injured man out of his shoes.

"I don't know why you were being so stubborn, not letting them help you."

"Because I deserve it, I guess. I deserved to get hurt, and I deserve not to have any help", Nate says, simply shrugging his shoulders and using a nonchalant tone of voice, as if his statement was the most normal thing in the world.

Teddy drops the shoe he was holding on the ground and looks up at Nate in shock. 

"Why would you say something like that? Where did you ever get such an idea?" Teddy asks, his tone of voice mirroring the shock displayed on his face.

Nate just tilts his head to the side and closes his eyes for a moment, collecting his thoughts and strength before opening his eyes again to speak. This subject was one that Nate had hoped would never come up again, especially with someone he had feelings for and was trying to start a relationship with.

"I had this hockey coach in high school that would tell us the same thing anytime one of us would get hurt....that we deserved it. We deserved it because we lost a game. We deserved it because we didn't run drills fast enough. We deserved it because we checked someone too hard, or not hard enough. I guess his words just stuck with me."

"What an awful thing for him to say to a bunch of kids...to anyone!" Teddy said, almost shouting the last part. He could feel his anger boiling under the surface, but he knew he had to do his best to contain it. Showing any outward signs of anger against a man he never met and a situation he couldn't control would only hurt himself and Nate, and Teddy didn't want to make Nate suffer anymore than he already was. He didn't want to further perpetuate the lie that Nate was deserving of such things. For his part, Nate just sat on the couch, watching the emotions play across Teddy's face.

"I figured I hurt enough people on the ice throughout the years...now it was my turn," Nate said and almost immediately wished he hadn't, he knew how silly all this must sound to Teddy.

"Nate, I know you have never...and will never...hurt anyone on purpose. You don't deserve this, no matter what anyone says. Understand?" Teddy knew he couldn't undo the years of toxic thoughts that had been implanted in Nate's mind with one single sentence, but he had to start somewhere.

Nate suddenly felt very uncomfortable. Almost as if he were on display, under a microscope. Nate wasn't used to having one person's attention focused solely on him in such a manner. He knew that Teddy must be psychoanalyzing him in his mind, trying to decide how the horrible actions of one man many years ago affected him today. One thing that had become clear to Nate about Teddy in the months that they had started a relationship was just how analytical Teddy was about human nature and the workings of the human mind.

The intense feeling of breathlessness that Nate felt at the Forum was returning and being exasperated by the tight tie around his neck, almost cutting off his air, or so it felt. Nate reached up to loosen the knot, sending a sharp pain piercing through his chest as he raised his arm. Teddy saw the look of pain play on his face.

"Stop fidgeting. I'll help you", Teddy says, and gets up off the floor to take a place besides Nate on the couch.

"Now...will you stop hiding things from me and tell me what they said was wrong? I don't ever want anything hidden between us again. No secrets about injuries, the past...or anything," Teddy says while undoing Nate's tie. Nate sighs and says nothing for a moment, not wanting to hear the words come out of his own mouth.

"Three broken ribs. Bruised lung."

Teddy just closes his eyes and shakes his head.

"Why didn't you tell me? Why did you wait so long to have them look at you?" Teddy asks, trying his best to not sound as if he is scolding. As soon as the words left his mouth, Teddy regretted saying them. It wasn't as if he had completly forgotten the conversation the had just moments earlier, but his intense worry had forced the words out before he could stop them. Teddy was relieved when Nate didn't bring the conversation back to that point.

"You know the answer to that, Teddy. This isn't the regular season. This is the playoffs." 

Teddy gets up off the couch with a sigh to retrieve some extra strength Advil and sleeping pills from the kitchen cabinet, and returns to the couch to hand them to Nate with a glass of water. Teddy then helps Nate undress the rest of the way, trying his best not to cause him any additional pain. Under any other circumstances, Teddy would be finding it nearly impossible to take Nate's clothes off without the promise of something more, but the look of absolute anguish that crossed Nate's face with every movement made sure that sex was the last thing on Teddy's mind.

After Nate was shed of his clothing, Teddy helps him try and find a comfortable way to lay on the couch, but they discover that no such way exists. Nate finally settles for laying on his back, as it puts the least amount of pressure on the side of his chest. Teddy disappears for a moment and returns with blankets in hand, and spreads them out over Nate's sprawled body. He then sits on the floor next to the couch, right by where Nate's head lay on the pillow.

Nate's eyes were closed, but Teddy knew he was awake when he uttered "Thanks Teds. You really do love me" in a groggy voice. Teddy ran a hand trough Nate's hair and murmurs "More than anything." The room is quiet for a few minutes when Teddy decides to break the silence. "What do you think about Ireland?" 

 

The only answer Teddy gets is the light sound of Nate's snoring. Teddy then lays his head on the couch next to Nate's and drifts off to sleep, his close proximity to Nate causing a smile.

 

 

 

 

May 27th, 2011

The door to Nate and Teddy's Boston hotel room flies open, kicked by Nate. "This is fucking bullshit. I knew this idea was stupid from the start," Nate yells to no one in particular, completely ignoring Teddy who was standing by the bed. Teddy was about to crawl under the covers and enjoy a restful nights sleep  when Nate stormed in with his anger flaring. Nate then throws his water bottle against the wall with such force that Teddy was sure that it would burst.

Teddy didn't ask what it was that was drawing Nate's ire. He didn't have to, he already knew, or at least he thought he did.

The Lightning were in Boston for Game 7 of the Eastern Conference Finals. After almost the entire game being held scoreless, Nathan Horton had scored in the waning moments of the game and the Lightning had failed to score an answering goal before the final buzzer. After being of the brink of elimination several times in the past couple months, the "almost out of the playoffs" became "out of the playoffs".

"Nate.....please, I know your upset but-" Teddy starts to say when Nate cuts him off with a angry wave of the hand.

"This is stupid," Nate reiterates, and moves his hand to motion at the air between Teddy and himself before continuing his tirade.

"You either want to be with me, or you don't. Why do you have to handcuff us with all these rules?"

Teddy stands there stunned. Out of all the things that could be playing on Nate's mind and causing his sudden outburst, the choice that they had both made to refrain from being physically intimate with each other until after the playoffs were over was the last thing on the list. Teddy simply stutters for a few seconds before meekly attempting to answer Nate's question.

"I was doing it for your protection. To make sure this is what you really wanted. Remember?"

"I told you before, I'm a grown man and I know what I'm doing," Nate says as if the mere thought of Teddy trying to protect him was preposterous. Nate goes to the corner of the hotel room where the abused water bottle lay, picks it up and throws it again, this time at the sliding glass door leading out to the balcony. Teddy didn't think he had even seen Nate manifest his anger in such a physical way before, and he was starting to worry that Nate would either hurt himself or leave the hotel room in shambles.

The previous few months had been hell on the whole team, tensions were running high, and no one was immune to verbal assault at the hands of a team mate. Maybe it was the stress and pressure, maybe it was the fact that these men had seen more of each other than they had their own families lately. Whatever it was, it was making it's way through the team.

It started when roommates Steven Stamkos and Steve Downie had differing ideas of how the nights should be spent. Stamkos wanted to stay up late, pouring over tapes of his play and videos of the opposing team on his computer. Downie wanted to sleep, as anyone would. That "conversation" ended up with Stamkos' computer being thrown on the floor and Downie spending the night on the couch in Ryan Malone and Mike Smith's hotel room.

The next people to let their emotions get the best of them were Marty and Vinny. Marty was being overly vocal one morning during practice, barely letting the team's Captain get a word in. Vinny had tried his best to keep the discussion off the ice, but when Marty contradicted something Vinny had just said, he decided he had had enough. Most of the players had skated away when they saw the situation brewing, but you could still hear Vinny and Marty at the opposite end of the ice. Vinny  yelled  something about "overstepping your boundaries" to Marty and Marty came back with "Maybe if you would lead, I wouldn't have to" in retort.

Another example of how the stress was affecting the team came the next morning at breakfast when Mike Smith was pouring his heart out to his best friend, Ryan Malone. Smith was worried that should the Lightning win the Cup that year, that his name would not be on it. Mike had not played in 40 regular season games because of injury and had yet to play in a playoff game, so his worry that he might be left out of the eternal glory was founded. In an weak attempt to make Mike feel better, Ryan cracked some sort of joke that Mike didn't find funny. The whole team was surprised to see Mike jump up out of his chair in the banquet hall and lambaste Malone for never taking anything seriously, making a joke out of every situation.

The stress induced mental breaks and hysteria was working it's way throught the team like a bad flu. The team's goalie, Dwayne Roloson, had decided to avoid all the drama by just avoiding everyone all together. He didn't speak to anyone outside of the games and practice, and had even taken it a step further by not joining everyone for the team meals. He would wake up, play, eat alone, and go to sleep. His system was actually working pretty well for him, until Dominic Moore decided to call him out on it. It happened during one of the morning skates. Dominic had skated up to Roloson, throwing a bit of ice at the goalie with his skates as he stopped. Roloson was just about to ask Dominic if he had lost his damn mind when Dominic challenged the older man. 

"You think you're too good to be seen with us?" Dominic asked tauntingly, and giving Roloson a slight shove. Mattias Ohlund witnessed the exchange and skated over to Roloson and Moore, giving Moore a slight shove in return and instructing Moore to leave Roloson alone. Mattias went on to say that Moore knew nothing about the goalie and that "for someone who went to Harvard, you sure can be clueless sometimes."

The whole team wasn't just getting on each other's nerves...they were tap dancing all over them. Teddy had thought that he and Nate had somehow managed to escape the stress induced madness.

Until tonight.

Teddy stood there for a moment, unsure of what to say or do. He could feel Nate's anger hanging in the air between them like a thick velvet curtain. Finally Teddy moves, doing the only thing that feels right to him at the moment.He grabs his duffel bag from the bed and throws it next to the door, where it lands with a large thud.

"Make sure you don't miss the bus to the airport. I don't want to explain to Vinny why you're late," Teddy says as he passes Nate on his way out the door, not making eye contact and making sure to nudge Nate's shoulder with his just a little bit harder that necessary. 

Teddy slams the door shut and Nate is left alone in the room with nothing but his guilt.

 

 

                                                                                                  -X-

 

 

Teddy was resting his head against the airplane window with his eyes closed, trying to get some sleep. He was also trying to keep himself from thinking of Nate and their argument, trying to tell himself that they would talk things out back in Tampa, but nothing could stop his mind from going back to that hotel room and the harsh words said. Teddy wasn't even entirely convinced that there would even  _be_  anything to talk about once they got home. For all the strife that had gone on during the playoffs, it had all disappeared once the team hit the ice and Teddy couldn't be certain this recent bout of drama wouldn't be just as short lived.

Teddy was finally just starting to doze off when he feels the movement of someone sitting down in the seat next to his and hears the sound of the seatbelt buckle being latched. He doesn't even need to open his eyes, Teddy knows exactly who it is. It really wasn't all that long ago that Nate and Teddy had fallen in love, but in the short couple months that encompassed the playoffs, Teddy had become so familiar with Nate and so familiar with his very being, that he would be able to feel his presence in a dark crowded room.

Teddy says nothing, simply opens his eyes slowly and looks at Nate out of the corner of his eye. Teddy wanted Nate to be the first one to speak, and when he doesn't, Teddy just closes his eyes again and tries to drift off to sleep. Five minutes passed before the silence is broken by Nate.

"I'm sorry, Teddy. I'm sorry I snapped at you, and I'm sorry I said your idea was stupid. It's not stupid....it's kind of romantic, actually."

Nate leans forward to whisper in Teddy's ear. "Can we please still go to Ireland? I promise I'll make it all up to you.....all this and then some."

Teddy's heart soars and he desperately wanted to smile, to tell Nate that it was all ok, but he knew he couldn't. He knew he couldn't set a precedent where Nate thought he could do or say anything he wanted to as long as he said "I'm sorry" afterward. He couldn't let Nate think that that was all he had to do for everything to be forgiven. Instead, Teddy simply takes a few deep breaths before embarking on the diatribe that he had been reciting in his head since the moment he stepped on the plane.

"Look Nate, I know that you're stressed. We all are, especially now. What you said was hurtful, and if you don't want to go any further with this relationship, all you have to do is say so. There's no need to react the way you did. Just say the words, and that'll be it. No hard feelings."

Teddy was trying hard to keep the desperation out of his voice. He didn't want Nate to know just how bad he wanted him, but at the same time Teddy wanted Nate to be with him because he wanted to, not because he felt like he had to. That would make no one happy in the end. Nate lets out an audible sigh and starts a monologue of his own.

"You want to know what really made me the most upset? If we won, I knew I could take comfort in knowing that our names were on that Cup.......together. No matter what happened to us or where we went, we would be together for eternity, etched in silver. No one could ever separate us. When Boston scored that goal.....all that hope was taken from me."

Teddy was taken aback by Nate's words. He never considered the fact that losing the game tonight meant so much more to Nate than just losing their chance at the Cup. He sits there for a moment, trying to find the right words to say, and finally he does.

"Win today, and we walk together forever."

"What?" Nate asked, confused. At first, it seemed to Nate as if Teddy was talking nonsense. Then Nate remembered the famous quote by Fred Shero, spoken during a playoffs such as this. Nate supposed it was that quote, that ideology, that led him to feel as though winning the Cup together was the only was that Teddy and him could be bound together forever. And as insightful as Teddy was, he knew that about Nate before Nate even did.  Teddy closes his eyes again and speaks, not looking at Nate.

"Nate, we don't need to have our names etched together in silver for us to be together forever. Our names are etched together in my heart."

Nate can't hold back his smile or his tears as he takes Teddy's hand slyly into his, making sure no one sees,  and asks "When do you want to leave for Ireland?"


End file.
